Archive for the ‘RANTS’ Category
Reaction to the Distraction of Attraction
Paralysis of even thoughts, it’s all a game anyway.
The amalgamation of fear and desire is a hard and tiring affair.
Bled like ballads wail. Still I fail.
I am one with the universe. One with existence. One with life and death. One with everything but… Well that’s not fair by any means. Collect your thoughts!!! Be NORMAL!!! Make sense!!! For…. Breathe!
She smiles and laughs and looks great with her hair pulled back. If I’m ever falling off track, I think of her and order is restored. Assured her words and her beauty and her attitude all put me in a wonderful mood. With a hold on my heart and an embrace on my mind, I find that she will always be in place in Gods design. And maybe perhaps one day our souls as stars will align.
I am one with myself. Alive with a passion that most never even try to feel, hope is all an insider needs.
To some nothing is sacred. I mean nothing at all is sacred. The reckless become open mouthed with distracting words for their own agendas. And it infuriates my less than rational mind. Keep your secrets. Be faithful in trust. Just know that energy wasted is an unnecessary battle. Friends are only as good as their ability to stay truthful and honest.
I rip my shirt open to release the light from my chest and it forms her face in the night sky. I stare toward her until my eyes bleed. And in the wind I hear her voice say…
Holy damn I hate lack of sleep, but i understand it.
I must love unconditionally, and accept the past for what it is. I must give into the natural order of life, and never forget the importance of self worth and unification. The world is mine if I want it. But when I choose to take it, I promise to share.
Before the tribulation of my own delusional paranoia rips my brain into sections, I must be as understanding and forgiving as possible. To be one with my planet, one with my universe, and one with my God, I must leave behind negativity. All paranoid and “geeked out” feelings must be rationalized and sorted into ideal envelopes, licked shut, and thrown in the fire. And we will dance in the shadows of the flames and befriend a new concept known as limitless understanding. In no way do I know how to accomplish this as of now… but assured, it is my goal to master this and many other new ideas and practices. I will learn as I go forward. And I will grow into a wonderful existence using these ideas.
Even if things are not the way that I want them, and I am not the way I once wished to be, and things seem to be surreally stale sometimes, it all washes away when I even just think about that certain someone. Like fire coming through my pores, I must be wise in harsh situations.
Yep… I am definitely losing my fucking head.
Growth is not an option but an obligation. Understanding is not a choice but a requirement. Life is indeed a luxury, not just a gift. My sun. My guide. My love. My trial. Her conviction.
Sleep now, I am alive. Sleep later, I am afraid to lose you. Beat me down. Destroy me. Collect my thoughts for me. Journey forward to the world of our own delusion. Forever! for-fucking-ever! My brain is dying. Must sleep. But sleep I cannot. Heart beating over dead minds. I live for you or I love for you? Sanity lost. No problem. Insanity won? Not really. Behold the great babblings of k.a. late at night. Glorious are the treasures that I find in her and her words. Mother Earth. Greatness is what she gives. Behold the power of sanity. Faith. Love. Life. Growth. Understanding.
Strong am I with the force, but not that strong.
Defeated is the magnificence of mystified passages and depths best left undiscovered.
Knighted, still I would fail to see the proper distractions to keep me sane.
Once a definite hero, I fall now to sleep a forgotten man. In time perhaps they will tell my story again, but for now I am waiting for immortality.
As if you were a god of indestructible power, I fell to my knees to worship you. Where are you now? What glory can you provide? (Painful thoughts from long ago.)
The woman was once my angel. And she became my sun. She gives me energy and holds me close but at a distance. And still I am forgotten… What factors collect in our advanced minds?
Tell me something or leave me to the flames. Toss me an answer or show me the door.
Why as humans do we feel loneliness, pain, detachment, and anger?
What purpose do I serve? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I care?
Answer me, or lead me to the land of the dead where I can become one with something that I at least understand. Death is the only thing that is absolute.
I long for trust in humanity. I want it. I need it. But I will not have it.
What the hell is worth this much insanity?
Where in time do I expire as a remembered soul?
I fucking disgust evil. The devil, evil, Lucifer, negativity, and hatred, I could do without any of these things. Yet we allow them to exist.
Lord, I will earn a place by your side, but I wish to know you better before I arrange to meet you for judgment.
She will be mine. She will be mine. The Earth is my home. I must fight for her. She needs nothing from me.
Earth, be my guide! Sun, give me power! Moon, help me rest! Just let me earn the answers! Show me the path!
Anger is mine… and I want to abandon it! Confusion is here… I need to leave it behind.
Give me the power that I deserve to accomplish the necessary changes in the world! Become the fires and rise from within me… show me the way to accomplish building the world that I need to build in order to survive. I beg you. Give me a new life. I will conquer all evils.
My soul is shielded in your glory. My sword is sheathed in your armor. And I am forever a man following in your phases. I love you universe, guide me home.
Indomitable
Am I Icarus or am I Kal El?
Does the sun hinder or aid me? hmmmmmmm?
For personal reasons, I have deleted the past few posts. Sorry for the inconvenience. They made me uncomfortable.
Basically I fell again for a woman whom I had once fallen for in the past. She told me it’s not meant to be, which sucks, but I understand. Its not all dramatic and sad face, it is more like a “Really? Damn” type feeling. It’s not a good feeling, but I understand it and her reasons. So I guess it was delusion. And that is okay. I feel fucking ridiculous for falling for the same woman twice (obviously I never stopped caring), but it is what it is… I will bounce back like a fucking champion. Honestly, I believe that she and I could be fucking amazing together. But she has other thoughts. Well, oh well… that’s just the way the deck was dealt. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t mess with me, but I am not going to let this dominate my life. Cause I’m the type of nigga that’s built to last… And she is awesome. Her path will lead her to happiness. So there is no worry there.
She asked me if we were still going to be friends after she shot me down. And that really actually kind of fucked with me… I once was bitter enough to hate after rejection. But now this is the beta KA. Alpha KA was weak and angry. Beta KA is not so easily broken. I think for the first time I actually care about someone (more than myself) that I am attracted to. And damn… that seems pretty crazy. For reasons unknown, my visions and desires were merely selfish in the past. She doesn’t want me the way that I want her. Does this cause a problem for either of us? Not at all… I put up the shot, got it spiked back in my face, and now I am golden. I lost this series. What else can I do? Obsess? No. Deny? No way. Be awkward and crazy? No fucking way. Make goofy jokes and be awesome? That’s what I do anyway… so YES! She and I will continue to be good friends and that is a righteous thing.
The whole school conundrum was really fucking with me… should I go back? Shouldn’t I? Would it make me happy? And the answer to the last one is, no. Going back would only make me hate my life. Believe that. May the universe forgive me, but I should not even consider changing my life. Not right now. My lifestyle is what makes waking up everyday worth while. I do not base my happiness or self worth on a document proclaiming success in something that I am already skilled in. I choose to follow my dreams and become a self sustaining author and journalist. I am going to change my habits, gradually. And that is good enough for now. I would only have gone back to college for other people and seriously out of thinking it was a “reputable” path. But I sincerely call bullshit on that. I can not do it to appease others, and I certainly cannot do it out of artificial necessity.
Life: Try it once and move on.
The Plan Adjusted
My Plan: REVISED
In five years: I will have finished at least two of my novels, and with any luck three. I will also have lost a severe amount of weight. And will be happy with hopefully the right woman.
In ten years: I will have finished seven novels. I will have at least five of them published and on shelves. And will confidently have stayed with or found the right woman and will be planning on marriage or will already be married. We will own our own home. My health will be impressive.
In twenty years: My family will have grown by at least one or two children. I will have a steady career as an author and/or journalist and my family will be happy because we are so unbelievably remarkable. One or two weeks a year we will be traveling somewhere new and exhilarating. And I will be the healthiest that I have ever been.
In forty years: I will be happy along side the woman that I consider perfect and who has agreed to deal with me for this long. My children will have their own wonderful families. And I will be able to look back at the last forty years of my life with absolutely zero regrets and wonderful memories. Optimistically I will have been able to visit another planet by then as well… but if we as people have not made that possible yet… I will still have considered the past forty years of my life to be outstanding.
How am I going to make this happen?
Because: I have faith expanding beyond my own egocentric opinions and feelings. And we are one.
My Lord is my Earth and my God my universe. As one we will conquer any and all complications that evil (negativity) brings forward. Trust in my mind the splendor that is befalling the human world. We together can manufacture new worlds not only in imagination but in actuality. Imagine the possibility of growth beyond even our own comprehension. God is calling out to us. We must connect through the avenues of enlightened observation and legitimate comprehensions. My haven, my mind, my word, we will reign as one. Reborn in worlds so implausible that we see the mirrors and colors with brilliant and sophisticated eyes, we will see the ultimate judgment and laugh vigorously into a peaceful embrace we once feared to be death. And we will forever be a part of the magnificence that is existence. ~K~A~
oh well… damn.
Tonight I wish I was floating free in space, aimlessly and absurdly gazing at Earth as I drift farther and farther away… Just me, my hopes, and my fears, all floating into a distracting and soothing abyss. I certainly believe that I could die happily this way. Life would be complete in my eyes as long as I die with my eye catching gods eye in the depths of our universe. As one we are all worthy of not only a colossal sense of completion, but an energy so immense that worlds could die and be reborn in amazing ways. We have the power literally in the palm of our hands. We all must be reborn. Not just as a collective entity, but as one mind, one being, one heart, we must all be reborn.
Be good and well. I love you all. ~K~A~
sad face
I am not sure when i wrote the following, but it was within the past few months…
_______
The discovery of my own delusions has set me free.
Moment after rigorous moment passes and somehow time feels like it is standing still. Like my eyes are closed and I am blissfully redeeming myself with witty conversations and whole hearted sensibilities. Then SNAP! My eyes rip themselves open to see how much has actually changed and how much time has been lost. We only have one life. What a rip off… One life? Seriously? No second chances? I suppose that is how it is… but it feels like every missed opportunity is another stair ripped out from under me.
