I am in a stone-filled river with a cathartic disposition. I lost my father. I lost my mind. I lost myself in an amazing waste of time. This is not about any certain person or group of people… I am just simply saying that it feels like sometimes God is not listening to me… I have not lost faith… and I have been praying… but still God feels too distant. His little friend below keeps relaying my disposition to the Evils… and they try every motherfucking day to rip me into hells depths… and I have one solution… and it is best described in one of my dreams…
I stand on the city streets in shades of indigo and crimson. My feet square with my shoulders, I embrace the ground firmly beneath my feet. My hands slowly raising from my side, I grip the open air with the skin growing tight around my bones… fingers stretched to the point of breaking… every muscle in my body pulls upward and tightens to the point of pain as my veins almost break through my skin… My eyes turn from white to violet as the ground breaks apart all around me. concrete shards and boulders tear upward in waves almost too soothing to comprehend at the moment. Flames fill the city from below… and with a furious blast and counterproductive scream, I change the force of my power toward the sky entirely… the flames fly even closer to the moon… I throw my hands down in an anger and release all of my tension for less than a second… This time I begin with my hands in the sky, once again fully braced on the now less than level ground. Skin and muscles tight as ever, I throw my hands downward in a single and aggressive rage… My hands break open at every joint and knuckle, and I bite through my tongue as the pain grows once again. The blood is a small price to pay for what is to come… The clouds break open and reveal the most disgustingly large and infinite army of Angels that the world will ever see. They dart to the glistening flames, breaking through the ground, and returning one by one with a demon in their arms… They throw the bodies one at a time into a grand and indefinite light that is shining through the clouds. The war may never end, but at least today the Earth is cleansed. I crawl back to my rooftop… and I look up to the sky and remember why I am alive as I watch the victorious choir return home virtually free of sin and blood… I smoke a cigarette and tell God that I will see him sooner than later… and the clouds close, as the ground repairs and the city air grows stale once again.
This is what I dream about at night. Welcome to my fucking confusingly soothing and terrifying nightmares… seriously…
My shoulders are heavy with the weight of my own goddamn life… not to mention the worry that I have for the rest of the world. The one time that I looked to the fucking sky for help… I was thrown aside into a horrifying darkness… fed serpents and rodents… and I asked for a simple love to be given and embraced, and I was left with no response… Is God a mute? or am I just that fucking deaf?
…and here I am still toying around the nights and early mornings to watch the city eat itself alive… I want nothing of wisdom other than the understanding of this sickness we call humanity… maybe it is just my sickness… Or maybe I should go to fucking bed… but then… then I have to fucking dream again!!! I used to love my nightmares… but now they are all apocalyptic… and yeah… thats neat and fun, but really dude… fuck all that kind of thought… I am too damned tired to deal with my own thoughts… NOW I GOTTA DEAL WITH THE END OF THE WORLD IN MY SLEEP?! WTF?! …..seriously…. there is no escape. But I am learning to deal with that… so I suppose it is going to be fine. Im no fucking sucker… I am eternal… and that is starting to scare the living shit out of me…
