Dolt Monkey

I MISS MY FUCKING FATHER!!!

I let anxiety rule me!!! Like a big pussy! Has anyone seen my balls?! Cause I’m pretty sure I lost them somewhere. It’s hard to be a man when you’re constantly battling your own mind. One day I will emerge victorious. Anger and anxiety. Why did I do so much bad shit to my brain as a teen?! Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucked in the head had I not been so self destructive back then. Hind sight twenty twenty. I need a do over. One new brain please! Right over here… Table 1!!! Oh. Sorry. We are all out… We can work on that one for you though. No thanks… It’s done for. Bweh bweh bweh. Got any balls? Fuck this Ima try and sleep.

My fucking brain will not shut the fuck up the past two nights. WTF is that?! This damn cough is going to kill me. Allergies suuuuuck! Tonight I smoked the last smoke that I will ever smoke as a regular smoker. The last for a long while. Nights when I am out with a group I may have a casual smoke here and there. Psych!!!! No. I’m done. For good. Tomorrow is going to suck so damn bad.

This weeks episode of Sons of Anarchy was fucking awesome. Like five stars awesome.

I said that I fear nothing earlier today in a post. This is a lie. I fear being irrational is the only rational reaction that I have. My heart to you on a silver platter. You say no. I say fuck you then. You say yes. I say ah you’re okay. My fear is shit. But as long as I know it is shit… Then I should be a okay.

Sincerely, I have learned a great deal about myself over the past two years. Things that I know that I need to accomplish have become very clear. The paths are now well lit, but where do I even begin? I have begun with my health. I’m going to continue that. I guess school is next. Or maybe my spiritual salvation. Life is moving so damn fast right now. Or is that just in my head? The fact is that I cannot fail myself. Wow. That is an honest statement. I will not fail myself.

I once thought that life was a joke. And death was the punchline. Now I honestly feel like life is riddle and you’re supposed to have fun figuring it out. But once it gets too frustrating or you finally figure it out… The gates of where ever you are going, finally unlock. I will have no regrets on my deathbed. None. My life will continue to be epic and there will be books written about me when I’m gone.

Maybe my salvation should be next. I do enjoy my relationship with God these days. But I still do not know where I stand with him. I know he loves me. I just feel unfinished in his eyes. My heart tells me to embrace his love, and I do. Remember that you heart is your life force Kent!!! My mind conflicts with accepting that… But my heart over powers my feeble brain. I know that I feel unfinished… Like a rusty robot, but is that why I feel that God may see me as incomplete? Am I that arrogant? Or just that ignorant to the thought of unconditional love? That’s a wicked concept that I thought I had inside of me. But lately I do not know anymore about unconditional anything. That’s a lie. Unconditional love is simple, it’s just hard sometimes. WTF? That doesn’t even make sense… Oh yeah… The concept is simple. But the execution is hard sometimes. Boom.

I’m blogging a lot these past few days… I just need to stay positive about the changes that I am making… And honestly, I am tired of most human conversations these days. Why talk when you can just write? Talking is the bane of humanity. Talking just causes problems. Talking is like knives in my spine. Small talk. Yay! Serious talks? Booooooohisssss!!! When someone says that we need to talk… That’s never a good thing. But when you write it down, damn it feels good. Besides, I am so tired of hearing my own voice. All I do is chatter. My head may pop off if I didn’t.

I sincerely need to stop punching inanimate objects. My hand is constantly in pain. Lmao. Seriously though. Customers, friends, family, one wrong word and boom my hand hurts. Like a bitch. It’s a super dumb habit.

Church. That’s my next step maybe. Finding a church to frequent. Good people. Good times. Good soul saving. Good vibes. Good wine to burn the sin away. Mmmm mmmm good! Lots and lots of good!!

That’s a huge step for me though… I’m not sure if I am ready for all of that. I will be, but I don’t know if now is the right time. But when is? I want to go… So I should just go. But I want to be clean of sin before I try to connect with other members of the congregation. For some reason that just seems right. Until then, I will worship in my heart and soul. Okay… I’ll admit it… I dont like people that much, especially in large groups. Church is a ton of people… Most of which I probably would hate to know in my personal life. That’s it!!! I gotta get over my fear of large groups!!! New item for the fix list!!!! And fuck calling it fixing! I’m just perfecting. The project lives!

I’m getting very tired right now… Been writing for like an hour… I miss the world as I knew it as a child. I will regain that feeling even if it kills me. The moral of todays story???? That’s easy… Lack of sleep with a cough and an anxious brain causes delusional and somewhat ridiculous thoughts.

Dear Lord. Protect the ones that I love. That is all I ever ask. Amen.

P.s. Thanks for the life and all.

Must sleep!!!!!!! Soar throat!!!! Nose bleeds!!!! So tired of work. So tired of life in general…. I’m never tired of life until I cannot fucking sleep. Goodnight brain!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodnight Eternals,
=K=A=

Fuuuuuuuuuuck my life today!!! People every where. So damn tired!!! Can’t wait to get the fuck out of work. Neeeeeeeddddddddd sleeeeeepy!!! I developed some kind of crappy cough. My throat is gross. But Ima fix that shit. Pumpin some iron. Drinking some juice. Smacking a couple people. Yeah!!! Let’s ride. Fucking a!!!!!!!!! Yah!

Sons of Anarchy is a great show.

Star Wars in concert was phenomenal.

Beyond my dreams. I am bending the envelope within my means.

Follow your heart more than your mind kids. It could be more painful, but at least you will not go crazy.

The day has dragged like dogs ass on the family rug.

I set up my weight loss goals today. I’m more than fucking ready. Bring it on world. Bring it the fuck on. I fear nothing on this earth anymore. Now that I have lost what I used to fear losing, there is nothing left to be afraid of….

Most people on this earth are temporary. Some of us are indeed eternal. You wanna know how to tell the difference? It’s easy… Listen to your heart. Feel the vibes. Feed off of others energies. Soak them in until you can almost taste it. Now did this person elevate you at times? If so… You should probably keep them around and know they’re eternal. If the vibes were horrible… Or even evil at times…. Know that that person could be temporary. Now do not confuse arguments, fights, negativity, or even short term hatred with proving someone to be temporary… Take into account the over all humanity of the person. Form an equation and find the answer. If that persons worth out weighs their faults. Then you have proven someone eternal. If their worth is is in the negative and their not worth much to you… Call them temporary and move on… I am happy to say that everyone that I associate with these days, everyone that I hold dear… They are all eternal. A few fall on the border from time to time. But they always land back on the right side.

I’m very uneasy today… But my convictions remain unchanged. If I could grow fangs and angelic wings…. Man I would kick so much ass.

Good evening my eternals,
=K=A=

I have rediscovered the love within my own soul. It burns like the fat from my body… And my mind is constantly growing like the muscles under my skin. If I learn one new thing or one great lesson every day… Then I will be happy in growth. Recently I was lost…. Blah blah blah!!! Now I am found… Durrr!

My priorities were out of order: truth.

Dear Kent,
I am glad that you finally woke up and realized the severity of your health problems. Are you going to also fix your financial and educational situations?!

Sincerely,
Your Core Self

Dear Core,
Of course I am going to work on these things. My financial state will change shortly. My budget is working well. And I have a few other ideas on how to better my monetary situation. Also I am going to work on my education slowly, but surely. Recently I have been toying with following in my fathers footsteps and getting a high paying job that I can deal with, instead of a career that I love and could do forever. Happiness versus money. That’s a hard call. Cause money is pretty important. This is just a thought though… I still really want a PHD in creative writing. So that’s where I will start. Thank you for your concern… I won’t let myself down ever again… I am sincerely Jedi minded… And a Man of Steel visionary. The morals and convictions that I hold true to my heart give me all the comfort and happiness that I need to proceed toward my goals.

Still a part of me harbors sadness and regret over many things. But I believe now that that is another source of power to drive me.

I no longer need my hands to rip apart my chest and expose the light. The light breaks the skin on it’s own. I clench my fists and scream toward the sky. I am significant. I am powerful. I will destroy all evil. But still I will embrace the darkness and feed on the negativity. I will cycle that negativity into blinding lights and symphonic sounds. I will speak and you will smile and cry. I will go to my mountain top and take what the fuck is mine. What’s mine? This life. This earth. This universe. As I am a part of it all…. It is mine. I will share. But still you need to be worthy… Are you worthy? Only you can decide.

=K=A=

Awesome!!!!!!!! I just got told by a customer that he was gonna whoop his best friends ass cause he owes him twenty bucks… And I quote he is “pretty sure he is banging his girl!” can you say COPS?! Yes!!!

This is freaking sweet!!! Fifty posts and more to come!!! Thanks again Sig!!! And GMN for the graphic! The site will continue to grow. I promise.

Not much to say today. Just kind of living. Drinking lots of water!!! Mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm! Hydration! Kevon Nealon!!! Lmao!

So I was gonna make some good progress today. And in some cases I did. I have to make a few phone calls tomorrow. Cause today I was busy at work. Time to destroy the night with heartfelt conviction and devotion. My prayers are with you all. And I miss the living shit out of most of you. And I only kinda miss the rest of you. Cause I see your ugly mugs all the time! Lol. Peace and prosperity. =K=A=

Monkey went to the store and will return momentarily…

I should, on past experience alone, be furious right now… But for some reason or another, I am actually alright with the way that things have panned out for me in the past few months. I kept a great friend, realized what and how much I actually need to change in my life, and have actually started to make those changes… And I am finally feeling like I may actually have a purpose in life beyond my greatest dreams…

Tonight was again bitter sweet… not going to get into details, but I am going to point out that some things just do not work out how you planned. And the cold, hard fact of it all is that no matter how hard you try, you are always on the brink of fucking it up… slip just once and you may fall into a terrible abyss. I am lucky and smart enough to bring my own tools to get the fuck out of the void. I always carry rope… I just used to think that it was in case I needed to hang myself… HA! But no… I constantly wondered why I always had this damn heavy three sided hook on my belt… And now I know. I can always climb the hell out of any hole that I dig myself. I just thank God that he blessed me with a long enough rope and a strong enough grapple…

I could choose to be all, “poor me, poor me!” But not tonight. I do not chose to be angry, vengeful, or even spiteful… And I am not sad. I simply choose to exist tonight… I have many, many great friends that are always going to be there for me… and I for them…

The “clusterfuck” of my life as I have put it, is not so much of a mess anymore. One day I will find happiness in the most pure of forms. And in the world of Kent, thats a pretty damn weird and optimistic thought. Through taking care of myself, furthering my education, and through basic human growth, I am going to literally be unstoppable… and I used to get all frustrated about how long this transformation was going to take, but sincerely… in eighteen months… I will be neck deep in progression… if not almost where I need to be.

I will fall into the mud and bathe for those months… and when I come up… no filth will stick to me… I am going in this metamorphisis with nothing but positive energy… nothing but energy formed from the greatest life ever lived… mine… my past and recent experiences have been wonderful… absolutely wonderful… I have met amazing and prominent people… I have done amazing things… One day my imagination will make me money… and I will have the family that I want… and I will live a long and continuously amazing life. The adventure will not stop… The Lord as my witness, I am the only one who can push myself to become worthy of my rightful place in heaven, and I will accomplish this.

All I need is life. As long as I am alive… I am fine. I constantly make jokes about offing myself… and how when I am old if I am unhappy, I will just end it… this is passive agressive nonsensical ramblings of someone who recently felt lost inside of their own mind… Now found, this man deserves no mercy or respect from those who he may have hurt, but he knows that all he can do is ask for forgiveness… if they chose to… well great… if not… that sucks, but I will live on.

A grip of sensibilty has embraced me. And I write this with a smile when I say, thank you Lord for showing me the righteous path in your own special way. I may not have gotten the results or answers that I wanted, but in return I have seen a light beyond fathomable beauty, and I thank you for it. You have shined a light on my path brighter than any sun in any universe and I will follow it. Any negativity I find on my luminous journey, I will kick to the shadows and let the weak feed on it as I pray for them.

Once with a cold steel barrel in my mouth that tasted like the end of a bottle, I now taste air and forgiveness. I pulled the plug on my life support system and I am fine. First I quit the weeds… then I quit the booze… now I gotsta quit smoking the cigs… oh and I quit the sodas… I eat sandwich after sandwich after sandwich… and I am losing weight (fat) constantly… The thing that kills me is that the two most important months of my recent life, I  lost sight of the primary goal. I knew I could do all of this at any point which I wanted… yet I chose to fester in darkness because I couldnt deal with my own thoughts… HOW FUCKING LAME? SUPER FUCKING LAME! I will not dwell on this this time… all that I can do is learn from this experience and move on from dark thoughts…

Life is fucking surreal sometimes… I am going to post a poem that I wrote sometime ago…  here it is:

Neon piles of contamination,
Often prove that the strings need rest.
This is the passion of substance.
Forever the sands are perplexed.

Even after the rain has faded;
Even after muck has dried.
Logging the sun’s position,
Intercept the new brisk rays.

Neon masses now evolve;
Giving the surface life.
Limping with broken wings;
Inhaling the fumes.

Kneeling in the filth,
Even the strings move on.
Morphing the sheets to water,
Employed are the designed.

end.

This is a sad way to look at life… but a fun way to look at rebirth… its off to bed now, to wait for tomorrows adventure. Work-no soda-few smokes-gym-no drinking-bed… A FUCKING GLORIOUS DAY AND NIGHT AWAIT! Thank you all so much for your support and advice in life… I promise I finally started listening… I leave you with this…

Love is powerful. It can construct and deconstruct at its own will… Stick to building, because the rubble can be pretty heavy when you break the foundation. BOOM! fuck you, love you, need you, want you, miss you… no matter who you are or where you stand in my life, I am always going to be thinking of all of you… My spaceship is ready… who wants to cruise the milky way with me? Close your eyes and youre always already there… LETS GET IN LIFES FACE AND FUCKING GRAB THE WHEEL! Star fighters ahead! THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!!!!!