Dolt Monkey

Coming sooner than later. Current work in progress.

My eyes peel open as I walk through the flames. My skin is water. And I shall not catch fire. The other end brings hope and happiness. This end brings confusion and indecision… Broken thoughts melted with past regrets of what I have done and those I have hurt and lost. Membranes of prosperity are left in the winds as I try and forgive myself. Sparks of power and love keep me alive just enough to keep from pain. I am no chosen one. I am no person of importance to the extent of making a difference. What I need is a new brain… And a new order of confidence, which I have found. The trick here is bringing to light all of my fears, insecurities, and regrets, and finally deal with all of them. The future is bright. The past is so dim. As for the present, let’s just say that I am a work in progress. I do find comfort in the water on my skin, but once it dries up, I may never make it through the flames again.
I hope that none of you ever feel this way. God is my witness that being hopeless or even feeling helpless is just a shady path under falling shattered glass. But with the universe and God on my side those feelings are not dominant or even prudent. The light shall be mine. No matter how dim, I will raise the voltage and kill all shadows with the most blinding light.
Tonight I thank God for my existence and ask him to watch over and protect and provide for the ones I love. Goodnight from the world of the 701, room 2. Love to you all.

The 27^th birthday has come and gone… It was a fun day of relaxation… I have needed it… been sick for a few days… it suuuuuuucked! I have a note from the doctor telling me that I cannot return to work until this Monday… even though I feel fine… horrible, horrible shit. Loss of money… and lack of health…

THE COSBY SHOW IS FANTASTIC!!!

The twenty seventh year in the life of KA is going to be not only amazing, but triumphant! I am going to be the owner of my own mortality and the realist of my own life. As one with my Lord and my own soul, I am going to become the man worthy of not only her, but myself… by November first of 2010, I am going to be mobile in my thoughts and ambitions. I will be knee deep in school… and at least sixty to one hundred pounds lighter… I am going to shoot for over a hundred… but I will be happy as long as I am drastically less heavy than I am now…

I am a Soldier of God, and I am ready for the blood of demons. My dreams have proven this to me… I feel crazy… lack of sleep is amazingly powerful in a negative way… I feel like I am growing to the top of the clouds and jumping off at random times… catching my feet on tree tops and dancing down the trunks… I dig holes to try and run, but my arms are broken from the fall… hallucinations are insane. . . . . . . . . . . . . when I was sick on Monday and Tuesday, I saw some crazy things… abrupt and painful memories haunted my dreams on those nights… not a happy thought! Not a happy thought!!! Bad brain! Baaaad brain!

I slide down glaciers and freeze in amazement as my skin hits the water… I destroy only myself with cold feelings… I warm in the Suns rays… and filter the distractions… and bring balance to my own mind… what is important? I know this answer… and 27x is a plan formed and reformed for two years… it began in 2008 and I only took it seriously in 2009… I knew the date of my 27^th birthday would be the core date… 2009 went well… but it could have gone better… I know now that after Halloween, November first 2009 to November 2010, I am going shake this planet with change and prosperity… but tonight… I must sleep…

Be well. =K=A=

You know what? Yesterday I wrote a blog that was very bitter sweet. I may have failed a lot of lifes tests, but that’s not going to hold me back. I’m a different person now. I’m a much stronger person, and I’m ready for anything life has to throw at me.

The devil may very well still be interested in my soul, but I am strong enough to destroy that pathetic scumbag. I’m not afraid of that cock Nazi.

Today I feel liberated. Like I’m broken free of a hard shell. I am going to put an enormous amount of effort into my own existence. For me. I owe it to myself to be stronger, healthier, and more productive toward my own future.

I have been sorting shit out inside my head. I’m back now. Get ready world… I’m about to fuck you up. Boom!

I’m a fucking psycho. Like sincerely, I am insane. My mind is constantly moving in circles and I’m getting dizzy. My only strength is knowing that I am known to be weak inside. Vulnerability has become my existence. And I don’t know how to deal with it. How do I learn to be calm one hundred percent of the time? Sedation!?! Or maybe depression? At least if I’m depressed, I’m not spazing it up, I’m just laying in bed, apathetic and drained.

My enemies today are my thoughts. I hate them. I have horrible amount of things on my mind these days. And most of the time I am fine dealing with it. And today and yesterday, that was and is not the case. My destructive nature is taking hold of me. Making me feel like the devil himself is trying to pry his way back into my life. And I beg the Lord to stand in his path and smack his fucking head from his body. Negative feelings and thoughts are the devils doing. And I need him to go the fuck away.

When it feels like things are going well, somehow I let selfish thoughts and desires take hold of my words. Maybe I am afraid of being close. Maybe I a that fucking frightened of actually being happy, that my subconscious feels the need to move to my conscience and force out the sabotage.

I feel like life is full of tests and I have already failed so many that it is damn near impossible to raise my GPA. I may never pass. Or at least it feels that way.

Lord help me be strong in dark times. Give me the strength I need. Please. Also give her the strength to be happy and show us both mercy as I know in my heart that you can. I ask your guidance and understanding for the two of us. Of course I also ask forgiveness for all and any of our sins. Help me in my insane moments. God, I ask that you give me the tools and opportunities and most importantly patience to become worthy of her. Amen.

P.s. Tell my dad that I love and miss him. Amen.

Fuck the devil. Fuck negativity. I’m sick today. I am sick today. I am sick every day. I am rambling. Revolvers are now unloaded. And I still may never be at peace.

Getting new wheelies!!! I am so bored!!! Bah!!! Soooooo tired. Oh so tired!!! But smiles are around! Gonna get shitty at the crown tonight. And by shitty, I mean kinda buzzed. Like maybe seven pitchers for the four of us. Lmao!!! Wooooo!!! No. Not drinking that much. I think maybe I am getting ripped off. But that’s okay. Maybe not I gotta check with my homies. Fuck yous!!! This guy!!! Oh this guy!!

What I have needed and wanted in life have never really complimented one another until recently. My mind races less. It is still on the move, but it is not as scrambled and wires seem to be less crossed. Life seems to be less stressful. But still things are creeping around behind me… And I do not enjoy that. Not bad things… Nothing negative. I just feel like life is moving slower than I am in some ways, but way faster in other ways. Like I am caught in a sphere or marble and I’m in a maze tilting. Maybe I am two marbles trying to reach the center, or even more than two. Who knows?

The good news is that I’m not confused or lost inside my own head anymore. I know who I am and where I am in life. Finding strength was hard, but now I am strong again.

My hands are revolvers. I just have to shoot the right things. My mind is ammunition. I just have to chose positive bullets. My heart is my armor. I only have to pick the right strength. Within my own mind I am free. I know what needs to be done with that freedom. I must execute my destiny in proficient and elegant ways. No pressure is going to hold me away from my own life and what I want out of it. I have not been at ease like this in years.

I fly toward the moon tonight. In a calm glow it welcomes me. I feel the embrace and become alive on a whole other level. I unhook myself from the surface and float aimlessly through the galaxy. I witness beauty in life for the rest of eternity.

I wake up in my bed. The first thought is always her. My day starts with a smile that could shatter worlds. The level of insanity that I used to feel has turned to proper thoughts and valid feelings. Self destruction was my balance for so long… This new outlook is refreshing. Soothing interpretations of once frightening thoughts and changes have overwhelmed me in a stability driven and awesome way. I feel invincible. I feel like the universe and my life are gifts from God that I used to take advantage of, but that process of thought is no more. Every day, every breath, and every thought is a gift that I must be thankful for.

Once I was very afraid. But fear is most indeed a path to the darkside. And dark paths will only be lit by the light inside of my core. And through my eyes and mouth I will illuminate the sky on any dark planet. I will turn the universe from darkness. I am energized by the sun in so many ways. I feel alive today! Bring forth your demons… I will help you slay them as I have slain my own. Humanity has potential. We all just need to stop, take a deep breath, and look for it. Slow down people, life is not a race, savor the gift and share it with everyone. Boom! I’m done… Look to the sky. You’ll find something, if not everything.