Dolt Monkey

Later tonight I will leave an epic post. But first I have got to survive the rest of this painfully slow day. Bwah!!!

The world and I are not becoming one with one another. Not today. Not tonight. Not right now. But I am spending time with some pretty damn cool people at this moment. But again I am secluding myself and I am typing this. Why you ask? Because I just had a conversation that blew my fucking mind. I once was strong but now I am weak enough to slaughter my own hopes. It’s time to rise above the negativity and bring the rain before the sun. Thunder will betray the ears of the world with a venomous blast. Anger personified within bastardly echoes. But maybe I’m not angry. Maybe I’m just frustrated. Maybe I know something is right and I fucking know it’s real. Maybe I’m delusional. In so fucking tired of life right now. So fucking ridiculous. No more posts for a while. I wrote this beautiful diatribe of love and understanding while I was at work today. The plan was to post it here. But while I was writing it. I got angry and it stuck with me the rest of the day, even now. The dream stuck by a knife in between the skin and the upper spine. Brain dead and bleeding through my back, I am bitter but may yet get some sleep.

Every time that she smiles, I feel more alive than I did from the previous smile. So in theory, every time that she even grins, I am that much more alive and happy. Do not even get me started on her laugh… Seriously. I cannot even begin to explain the luminous energy I get when she giggles or bursts into laughter. So the goal here is to keep her smiling and laughing. So that she can be happy and I can embrace it with all of my energy. It’s not about her making me feel great, she does that with no effort, it is about making sure that she is more than content. I only suffer in shadows. And I never want her to see another shadow as long as she lives. And when she finds shade, I want her to always have the option of luminosity. Her eyes are paralyzingly beautiful. Sincerely, she has a great mind. She thinks of other people and puts them even before herself. Her priorities and ambitions are refreshing still, while her anxieties and fears are real and justifiable. Before I fade this to the credits, I must say one final thing, she has interesting thoughts and hobbies. One day I want a woman like her. My only fear is that she is one of a kind.

Okay… so my head is usually in the clouds or even past them, but today I feel like being asinine and grounding myself. But is it so ridiculous to want to be grounded? Maybe not. Anyway, I am livid with my life. What I have done to myself over the past ten years is absurdly grotesque. And now that I want to mend it, it sincerely feels like it is way too late. I know that it isn’t, but it does feel that way a whole hell of a lot of the time.

 Sad face… ha! Seriously I gained so much weight, and did so many stupid things, and wasted so much time… and I have nothing to show for the past decade of my life. The past ridiculous ten years has been a ruthless mixture of complacency and gluttony. And there is no rewind button. No redo and no fucking chance of a second chance… FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

 This is where KA just wants to break shit. My head has been killing me all fucking night and day… Fuck it… I am done… with this fucking thought….

 On a positive note… at least I have a family of my own… errrrr…. That’s right, NO I DO NOT!!! Seriously though… I don’t blame any of the women in the past few years that I have tried to get with, for being so stand offish… I am a fucking ghoul of humanity. Oh seriously… I know that I am the shit… but my negativity and ridiculous interactions and agonizing advances all must have seemed so fucking forced and abrupt. HERE COMES 400 POUNDS OF INSANITY!!! WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME?! BWAHAHAHA! WTF?! Seriously KA, what is your fucking hang up?! I should have chosen women over drugs in high school… I should have chosen better grades over sleeping in class… hind sight is 20/20… well… Today I obviously feel like being fucking angry about it…

 I HATE THIS FEELING!

 So the boy looks in the mirror and sees his own reflection twenty years later… and he is excited… The old man looks in the same mirror and looks back on twenty years and beings to cry… I look in the mirror and look back and I want to slam my fist in the face of the asshole staring back. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Knuckles dragged on concrete walls for far too fucking long… Hey universe…. Today, you can go fuck yourself. Your vision feels stale and naive. God, I love you and I wish to know you better. Mother Earth… leave me alone, you try but do not ever seem to succeed. Space would only grow to be as bitter as Earth has in my mind… all it takes is time… Floating in space, laying in bed, it is all the same… Jacking off, getting laid, it’s all the same… Breathing, dying, it’s all the same… I know now why children are so fucking cruel… because seriously life is shitty sometimes… and they are pure enough to be aware of that unbalance through vibes and feelings alone… I guess I never got rid of that feeling of unbalance. I never shook the first time that I felt pure hatred… I never got rid of the first time I felt genuine love… and I sincerely never got rid of the first time I felt betrayed. Ready for blood and tears at every turn, my life has become stale and infuriating…

 But assured, I am fine… just a little on edge today… fuck the negativity. Fuck life… fuck death… fuck existence… fuck in general. Fuck growth. Fuck understanding… todays not the day.

 I find myself at the edge of the building, looking down, and ready to jump. I stumble backward to try and collect my thoughts, but the wind picks up and forces me forward. I spread my wings and glide across the city, looking down at all of the traffic and different interactions. I see beauty in humanity for the first time in years… I fly higher toward the sun. I just need to get warm for a moment. When I am done with the sun, I force the air behind me and work forward into the path that has been laid before me. I am back on my rooftop staring into the eyes of my doppelganger… he laughs at me and places the label WEAK upon me. The flow of my fist is enraged as it connects to his, own and equally hateful, fist. No chance of winning here, I think. Laughter surrounds us both. We are here for nothing, yet somehow we are supposed to be watching over this city…There is no solace… there is no winning ticket… I am here as a servant of my own disruptive mind… I fly back to the sun and decide to dart straight into her heart… He does the same and we meet in the middle and I stare into what I could have been as I burn away…

So I believe that I may have determined that I am perhaps not crazy at all, maybe…

I find pure disgust when I lie to myself.

 I used to lie to myself constantly. “Oh, my health is fine.” Or, “oh, I don’t need that shit.” Or even, “I don’t give a fuck, fuck that person.” HA! Sometimes telling your self lies is FUN! no… no it is never fun… Fantasies and lies are not one in the same. Fantasies are seriously fun. Lies cause pain. So do omissions. As do secrets. So much for insanity. 

I NEED MORE THAN THIS! Life is so fucking ABSURD sometimes.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

 I NEEEEEEEEEED IT!

 Fuck, my life pisses me off sometimes.

 I think my time on earth is almost over. My brain is constantly in space anyway. I am not talking about suicide… I am not fucking weak or even near that selfish. I am just saying, I feel like there isn’t much more for me here on the Great Mother. I want to take my family and that one lady and perhaps a few others, and get a place on a space station or another moon or planet… you know, whatever is available or on the market… ha! Don’t worry, I will write.

I have found myself disconnecting more and more each and every day. Which is wonderful… Daydreaming and rising above the dead minds… I am not rotting or killing my brain, I am seasoning it… dwelling, obsessing…. it all adds good flavor.

Oh the power we would have, and the things that we could achieve…

I know that I can help her accomplish anything and everything that she wants and needs… because she has already helped me so much, just by being who she is. And I want nothing more than to return the favor. She helps motivate me to lose the weight that I need to lose. She makes me want to return to school to get the degree that I greatly need. She obviously has me writing again… She is easily my muse and the power that we generate from one another and collectively harness could easily be enough to destroy any and all negativity, if we choose to focus together. 

Trust me, I think twenty four seven, I have it all worked out. CRAZY KA STRIKES AGAIN!!! Even when I am sleeping, my mind is working. Dolt Monkey says no! NO STUPID BRAIN! SHUT OFF ONCE IN A FUCKING WHILE! DO IT! The Dolt hath spoken…

For me to stay well in any situation or just in life in general, one thing is necessary… RELENTLESS AND RUTHLESS HONESTY… and that scares the living shit out of most people. Trust is for suckers.

I am babbling. I am absurd. I am finally typing this out. I know that this is not the normal way to be about such matters, but I also know that I am not necessarily a “normal” person. LMAO!  But seriously, I know that she cares about me. I know that she wants me in her life. And thats beyond awesome. I may have stronger or even more feelings, but the need for a good friend is still all that matters.  

MONKEY SAYS STOP OBSESSING AND BE FUCKING NORMAL!

Fuck you monkey, “normal” is just a point of view…  and who is obsessing? I am just thinking aloud. So go back in your little hole… and SHUT YOUR DUMB MONKEY FACE!

I love you monkey. I didnt mean it….

I have said it before and I will say it again, she is my sun. Also…  she may be my red kryptonite as well. Definitely not my green kryptonite… but possibly my red… maybe not… but many lately have told me that I am indeed crazy… fucking dick buckets… what do they know?

 I have fun with her… I enjoy being around her…  She brings balance to my force. Yeah, I said it. Don’t hate.

I don’t give a damn what any of you cynics are thinking right now… Break down the reality here… I am reborn in the light that comes from her… and I will not let any negativity change that. I will not let pessimistic nonsense destroy my friendship with her. And I certainly will never lose hope in greener pastures and collective insanities.

There is no rationality in unconditional love or caring. So go ahead and call me irrational… I EMBRACE THAT SHIT! We all will prosper…  I believe that with her (in any way, shape, or form) all things are possible. MY CONVICTION IS MY SANITY.

Okay so I could not for the life of me find my darts the other night. And it stressed me out! I searched my car, my job, my apartment, and they were still nowhere to be found. I gave up hope in finding them. I almost bought a new set, but I decided to wait until tomorrow. So my homey and I stopped at a convenient store on our way home from the gym tonight… and while I was inside picking up some juice, my boy found my mother fucking darts in the back of my car!!! Props to my boy! YEAH! Without my darts, I felt weak and angry. Seriously, they’re like my phone or even my head, an integral part of my existence.

Going to play darts on Wednesday nights and sometimes Monday nights is a major part of my week. When I am there I have no worries, no bad thoughts, the things that I obsess over and dwell upon seem to fade into the back of my mind… just fun times exist and excellent competition prevails. I have to keep my regular personal life separate from darts, just to stay sane. It sounds fucking ridiculous, but it is truth. Dart nights are my escape nights.

My needs extend past existence as a whole. My desires and wants corrupt the infrastructure of my sanity, but I enjoy the routes taken by men all along the side of the winning agents… WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?! Weird, I just kept typing… and that’s what we got. Nonsense! Let us try that again…

My desires and wants corrupt the infrastructure of my sanity, but I enjoy … I enjoy the fact that I am alive and able to have such wonderful dreams and daydreams. The gym is another great escape. I love it there, but I just can not go all the time, twice or three times a week is all that I can endure.

One day we will be one.

Believe this as whole heartedly as you can.

Take a mental snap shot of something that makes you unbelievably happy. My photo is of…well I do not want to say… but… Still, trust that I have a very happy image in my head that no one can rip from me. My brain: the unbreakable hard drive… THEY CALLED ME MR. GLASS! Qwahhhhh? Unbreakable is a fun flick.

The ultimate love is to be the one who is willing to die alone. Think about it. Are you willing to be the one to watch the rest of the ones that you love expire in this world? Are you strong enough? Absolutely I am. I would only want to be there for them to help them on their way to the next level or dimension; to make them comfortable through that transition. I would never want them to have to watch me go. I am more than willing to die last and alone. – - -

I am invincible tonight. Hard as steel and sharp as rock… what? Fuuuuck I have to go to work tomorrow… I hate Fridays so much.

I am not afraid of anyone on this planet. I thought anyway… Somehow… she scares the shit out of me. And I love it! I am ready to pass out…. And I am getting sick. We will become the definitive amalgamation personified in realities that we can only dream of now… without my own delusions, I am nothing. Without my daydreams I am nothing. Without my honesty I am useless. Without her I am… Without rationality I am merely me. Drifting away….