Dolt Monkey

I feel angry, but I have no energy left. I am running around in circles in my head… Trying to figure out which road I want to head down. I want the same goal in five years… but I have two awesome options… life was so much fucking easier when I felt like I had someone close enough to confide in. My trust issues are way worse now than they have ever been. I sincerely HATE being this way. I mean I really, really, really fucking hate it. I made so much progress last year… and I backslid like a bastard in the past six months… Not so much in the past month, but I let my emotions drive me into the ground. Simply because I am weak. Sometimes. Not all of the time… But when I feel hurt, I turn to spite and anger beyond most human comprehension… I really felt harshly left alone and abandoned by not only people that I considered close, but by God as well… I have been angry for so damn long! No pity party here… I am just stating facts. I have left the new prospect in the past now as well… I have no energy left to try and fucking be with someone or even anyone anymore… There is no hope for me romantically… I have finally accepted this! Fun is my only goal right now… I miss my father very much. I miss my old friends very, very much. I miss so many people. . . . . . I miss myself most of all. I lost myself in so many ways… I used to be a good person… like seriously, a really, really good person! I don’t feel that way anymore! Lord! I need to shed my vanity… I need to please my own fucking mind finally… But I am afraid that I will never be able to do that alone… And I feel like life is going to be a lot shorter than I recently anticipated… The desire to live a long life is still in my veins… but I believe that maybe God wants me home sooner than later. Or maybe it is not God, maybe his little antithesis is trying to bring me down. I really have no idea anymore… I try and keep God close… I try hard to make up for my sins… but I may never feel clean. I do not know how to deal with these thoughts!!! FUUUUCK! There is so much to be positive about… so fucking much…

Positive things! I move into my new place this weekend! WOOO! YEAH!!!! It is time for a revolution! A new beginning!!! A clean slate! A new city! Life is just waiting out there… waiting for me to grip it and run with it… LOST has started again! And is fucking awesome! Life is wonderful! LMFAO! moving and a fucking TV show… This is what God had in mind?! seriously?! FUcking hell… Dead by 30… or life til infinity… It is in Gods hands… I feel very comfortable with that… I am semi kidding… I actually have an AWESOME goal by the time I turn 30… and I will not share it with anyone until I have it… I am so fucking weird…

So apparently, there are people in the world that think that I am “PSYCHO.” I really hope that these people know that I am not a psychopath… that I am not psychotic… I am emotional… there is a difference… And if need be, use a dictionary to figure it out… Unstable? no… Emotional! I keep my emotions deep inside of me… I filter it out… and I let some out… but I keep my fears and more brutal emotions at bay… And sometimes I snap… they call me a psycho for this? I do not mean to be a freak… But I have recently been informed that I have been deemed a psycho! I obsess. And I do freak out when I am in pain… I am too fucking emotional for my own damn good! And there grows another trust issue… I belong in a hole. I should be a machine… mindless and useful… instead I am a living being, useless… and bored. There is hope in worlds afar… and I am not insane… I am just fed up.

One foot close to the grave.
I feel safe and embraced.
One thought thrown to the wind.
I feel cleansed and defaced.

They say that the dead may absolutely be watching us… And I think that I am more than okay with that. Ghosts? Zombies? no…. no….

I wish I had spikes for feet… then I could really learn balance…

I wanna be a cyborg… Metal and skin… Flesh and bolts… Blood and oil…

Gigantic metalic wings spread like their own skyline…

STOP DREAMING KENT! it is your least productive attribute.

NEVER!!! My dreams are my surviving quality… reality is death.

And I am immortal in dreams…

We become one with the universe one dream at a time!

Tonight I dream about Dolt taking over the world one banana and scumbag at a time… Uzi fully loaded and easily unloaded one piece of shit human at a time. Call me a Monkey any day… Im proud to be primal.

seriously, I have had like eight nose bleeds in three day… its really fucked up.

And no… I am not doing cocaine… I think it is just the stress of the sickness…  My head has been hurting for like a week now… and it developed into a cough and a sneeze cold type thingy… This is frustration… cause I hate moving and I hate being sick… SERIOUSLY HATE THEM BOTH more than you can even imagine… life is good other than that… I really like the apartment that me and my homie landed in Cedar Park. Its pretty fucking nice. I cannot wait until we are all moved in, and away from Austin… Darts and certain friends are are all that tie me to Austin now. And I suppose my job… bleh. I do love my coworkers and my job, but I am running a little on empty there lately… I have turned into more of a machine than a human there. This blog is getting lame and whiny… SO LETS FUCK SHIT UP REAL QUICK!

A warmth flew into the room as you left my mind last night,

In the city lights I saw the mercy fade and defile the Gods.

One by one the odds change in flavors even your eyes can taste,

The triumphant waste the opportrunites given by solid pastures.

The lingering laughter voids the hatred once felt by the let down,

I help her finally drown as I hold her under the pools of sweat.

Lifeless eyes beset the glory that is the powerful and devine,

The stars align and prove that I must follow the path of a grey dawn.

Yeah I hate this thing I just wrote… sincerely, but I promised I would post what I freeeeeeeflizzzowed… so fuck it… night night kiddos and kidettes!

Damned or not, I am going to get what I want. As long as I am honest with myself about what I want. There is a new dawn finally. And this time will be different, I will not fail. Because there is no more goddamn room for failure. I only need to be pure in my own eyes… Forgiven in the Lords eyes, but pure in my own. I will approach this new dawn with a careful and calm mind. I am the greatest man that ever lived. FACT. Once addicted to a vile bitch of a sun, I am able to move forward and away from the burn. And I will sway toward this calming and somehow chilling and soothing sun. Not for my needs, but the collective needs of our entire universe. The rays from the current dawn are cold like the winter in the north east… But soothing like the sound of an amazing song at that perfect moment.
I will attain my dream life, preferably with Gods help, but if not, I am strong enough to make it happen on my own.
I am the crutch free K. A. The Lord is my savior… And I will not stray from him. But my faith is shaky these days. And it is only because somewhere along the lines, I lost faith in myself. I will have my Empire one day. Hopefully sooner than later, but alas it will be MY EMPIRE. The world is just one fucking obstacle. Life is just a big fucking gauntlet… And I’m not running through the goddamn thing anymore… I’m slowly strolling and kicking through the fucking walls. And I will be a better person for it in the end. Once I reach the other side, I may be a little more bloody and filthy, but at least I will not be too tired from running. And I will address God as a mentor and friend. I will shake his proverbial hand, and with respect, I will kneel before him. And then we are gonna chat a bit. Cause I’ve got some serious questions that indeed need answering. Hopefully I will get those answers on my way to him. But I just feel like it’s gonna be pretty quiet until I kick through that final door.

I sit and watch other people live their lives… I see powerful people. And I know that I can be twice as powerful. I just have to earn it. And I’m well on my way to doing so. My spaceship is missing an engine. I have to earn that new engine. And I will… By building it myself. Bring on the new trials Earth… I’m more than ready for anything that you have to throw at me… Man of Steel, maybe not yet, but I’m getting harder every passing goddamn minute. I fold my hands and welcome the hardest shit that you have to offer… I need it! I beg for it. Because I am only going to get that much better from it all. I’ve got the money and obviously the time. I’ve got the drive…

=K=A=